Reincarnated As The Villainess's Son - Chapter 474

Chapter 474: [Dystopian Elven War] [50] [Undeserving Mother]

[Capital City, Tamriel Kingdom.]

[Nerissa’s POV.]

There were so many thoughts racing through my mind.

Thoughts that were enough to make my head burn from pain.

But… what was the point of thinking so much?

I have done what I should and there is nothing to change it.

…I have abandoned him.

‘…’

Whenever I was sad, my father always used to say,

If the world feels like too much of a burden, come back home.

But what is a home to someone like me?

Whom should I call my home in this world?

My husband who is nothing but a murderous man, who is after my blood?

My son whom I have lost?

My daughter whom I have neglected all her life?

Or the son whom I chose to hate willingly?

‘…’

The truth was… I don’t have a home.

There was no one out there to whom I can return.

….And it was my fault, for I let it happen to myself.

‘…’

The royal palace loomed over me as I kept on walking aimlessly.

I will pretend to help the elves like I always do.

Not like they deserve to live anyway.

It only took four steps to be stopped by a soldier.

A petite boy wearing a battle uniform—far too early for a boy his age.

“Lady Nerissa.” He bowed slightly, fear clear in the way he presented himself. “Queen Pasithea asked for your assistance.”

“What for?” I asked, feeling a clear dryness in my throat.

“I.. I.. am not sure.” He spoke hesitantly. “But it is related to Sir Himmel.”

Urgh, it’s always him.

No matter what happens, he is somehow related to it.

It makes me sick….

….Why does he always have to throw himself in danger?

“What did he do this time?” I asked, suppressing the bud of concern in my heart.

The soldier hesitated before speaking.

“….He left for Demiurge Kingdom.” He spoke. “Alone.”

I felt a sudden knot in my heart that I chose to ignore.

I moved quickly past him but my steps slowed down as I looked back at him.

“What is your name, boy?” I asked.

He trembled again. “It’s Rendo.”

“You are fired.” I said simply. “Never show me your face here.”

I didn’t wait for his response as I walked away.

There is no place for a child in a war.

Death is such a petty thing….. taking away those who don’t deserve to go.

….And leaving behind those who should die.

To suffocate while they keep on living.

I swallowed hard as I felt my hand sweaty.

Why would he go alone to such a dangerous place?

Is he planning to fight against a demigod with no preparation at all?

Who the hell does he think he is…..

Aside from the constant movement of soldiers and the ever-present maids, there wasn’t anyone to stop me.

I reached the throne room relatively easily.

But….

My steps slowed down once again as I saw someone standing in front of the gate.

Those defining features—the golden eyes with rings.

It was hard to focus when they are fixed on you.

Even if the one staring is your own daughter.

I quickly gained back my composure as I walked towards her.

“Where is Pasithea?” I asked, looking at her. “And why did no one stop Himmel—.”

“Why should we?” She cut me off slowly. “Why would anyone want to—.”

“He has the nourishment of the World Tree, goddamnit!” I snapped as I wasn’t in the right mood.

“His life is important because he has the future of elves in him!”

“…”

Nymeria remained silent as she stared back at me.

It wasn’t long before I felt guilty for losing my composure once again.

‘….It never happened before.’

I could always keep my heart cold no matter who was in front of me.

Keeping my composure at all times has always been what I am good at.

But since the day that ‘boy’ came back, I have been frequently losing it.

I let out a sigh as I rubbed my eyes. “…..What is Pasithea doing?”

“Talking with Lady Mariam.” She spoke softly. “She plans to come back from Akasha as soon as possible.”

I nodded my head as I moved back.

Coming back later when she is free would be a better choice.

…And being with her makes me uncomfortable.

The years of negligence that I did to her are eating me alive now.

Being with her only makes it worse.

“…Mother.”

Just as I was about to turn around, her meek voice broke the silence.

“Can we talk for a while?”

I drew in a deep breath as I stopped my body from trembling.

I knew this day would come but I don’t want to….

….I don’t want to look into my past.

The things that I have done.

I don’t want to remember that.

But all those thoughts were crushed immediately when I looked up at her to say ‘no.’

The small face of hers… the expectant look in her eyes.

“….Sure.”

I spoke instinctively before my rational mind could take over.

Nymeria nodded, grateful as she led me towards a familiar corridor.

…The same corridor that I always moved around once.

The same place where all my children used to play once.

Nymeria led me back to the opening to the royal garden.

Most of the things were the same as I remembered them.

The big yet beautiful garden bloomed in front of me once again.

Nymeria didn’t speak as she slowly sat down on the stairs leading to the garden.

I also sat down beside her without speaking anything.

The only thing between us for a while was the gentle breeze in the air.

Nymeria kept on stealing glances in my direction.

I on the other hand kept on staring at the empty garden.

The place that once was my favourite place to be in.

“….Did you talk with Himmel?” Nymeria asked gently, making me blink. “When I met him… he looked upset.”

“…He deserves that.” I replied coldly. “You lost your younger brother because of him.”

“…”

Nymeria didn’t respond to my words.

Why did I say that anyway?

I rubbed my face as I felt more and more uncomfortable beside her.

“Does it make you feel better?” Nymeria asked after a while. “…. Blaming him for Liam’s death?”

I didn’t speak as I stared at the empty garden, remembering the laughter that once filled it.

“No.” I spoke after a while. “…. Liam’s death was still his fault—.”

“It was my fault, mother.” She spoke, cutting me off. “I was the one who healed Himmel before Liam—.”

“It wasn’t in your hand.” I spoke, my body instinctively being defensive. “The World Tree chose to help Himmel.”

There was a silence between us as she turned to look at the garden.

“Then why do you hate him?” Nymeria asked after a while. “When you already know it wasn’t his fault.”

“….”

I waited for a while as I stared at the garden without any words.

“…Because every time I see him,” I finally said, “I see what I lost. Liam’s smile. His little hands. Everything I failed to protect.”

The words slipped out before I could stop them.

“And every time I look at Himmel I remember what I lost.”

It’s easier to turn that pain into hate than to live with it.

I have been doing it for so long that I feel disgusted by myself.

I let out a brittle laugh. “Maybe. Maybe I also hate myself for letting it happen.”

The breeze picked up, carrying the faint scent of flowers.

For a moment we both listened to it, letting the silence stretch.

“…I am a terrible mother, am I not?” I spoke with a broken smile. “….How good it would have been for you if you weren’t my daughter.”

“…”

A sharp ache pierced through me as she didn’t refute my words.

What was I expecting anyway?

I was the one who did all the heinous things in the first place.

“You deserve a better mother.” I squeezed those words out, lowering my gaze. “A mother who isn’t like me…”

Nymeria turned toward me at last, her golden-ringed eyes soft.

“Maybe,” she said quietly, “maybe I do deserve a better mother.”

I lowered my gaze once again as I nodded gently.

A part of me was grieving but I knew what it was for her.

How much she had to go through because I wasn’t there.

“But…” Nymeria spoke once again. “….I have a big heart, so I will forgive you.”

I flinched visibly as I looked—no stared at her.

Nymeria slowly smiled as she turned fully towards me.

“I want to start again.” She said brightly.

“What do you say, mother?”

For a long heartbeat I could only stare at her.

“….Since when.”

I tried to chuckle but what came out was a pathetic sob.

“….When did you grow up so big?”

The years and years of suppressed emotions bubbled back to the surface.

My eyes blurred, vision foggy and before I knew it…

…I was crying like a child.

Nymeria moved closer to hug me gently.

….But it didn’t help at all.

No matter how much I try to compose myself, my tears just won’t stop.

….She wasn’t the home that I deserve.

—

—

[Somewhere between the borders of Demiurge Kingdom.]

“Ahi!”

Zenith yelped like a child as she grabbed onto the fur of the beast.

She rode the part of Taimat’s first Child who moved majestically in the sky.

“How come your spirit beast flies!?” Zenith asked as she looked to her side.

Siersha was sitting on her side much more composed than her.

“It’s not flying.” She replied. “But making his body lighter than air to float and using wind magic to move.”

Zenith clung tighter, her hair whipping in the cold air.

“That’s… that’s still flying to me!” she shouted, voice trembling between awe and fear.

Beside her, Siersha barely moved, her crimson eyes fixed on the dark horizon.

“Hold on tighter,” she said calmly. “There is a storm ahead.”

“I am holding on!” Zenith protested, cheeks puffed.

The beast gave a low, thunder-like rumble.

A sudden updraft lifted them higher, and Zenith squeaked again, burying her face in the soft mane.

The thunders roared around them as they moved through the clouds.

“Zenith.” Siersha spoke seriously, making the girl turn towards her. “Listen to what I have to say.”

Zenith blinked at her seriousness. “What?”

“No matter what happens and what you see.” She said seriously. “Do not let rage and grief control you.”

Zenith trembled slightly. “W-what do you mean!?”

“Just keep my words in mind.” She spoke, her voice serious. “If you lose yourself then everyone will be in danger.”

Zenith gulped down as her heart kept on beating even faster.

Her gaze slowly shifted towards the child riding beside her.

The girl who had been giggling looked back at her.

“She is right.” Avelia nodded her head. “Papa said, your power is related to God of time.”

Zenith drew in a deep breath to calm herself. “What happens if I lose control?”

“You create a mess.” She replied seriously. “Papa says, you create a new pathway.”

Zenith bit her lips as her eyes moved forward.

Her heart trembled as her mind remembered that awful future once again.

Zenith became even more unrest. “….Mother.”